"It's not love anymore, it's guilt," he says.
I'd rather not have this conversation, because then I'm going to have to explain why I
lied earlier.
"I want closure Naledi, desperately. I need closure. I've tried, I've tried really hard all
these years but it's not happening," he says.
I wish I knew what to say to him. Am I supposed to stand by him on this too? How?
I keep quiet.
"I don't think about her when I'm with you. I used to think about her all the time but
not lately, not since I met you. Not since that day you came in here screaming like a
mad woman asking why I left you," he says.
I feel like that was the day it all started.
"It wasn't your fault Chawe, her death wasn't your fault,"

Silence.
"You know, death happens. It is not entirely decided by the person who kills, it's fate,
pure fate, it's determined by where you are at that particular time and what you are
doing and.....
"I don't get you," he says.
I'm also not sure if I'm making sense at all.
"Chawe, what I mean is everything that happened in her life on that day led to that
moment, her last moment. Your whole life, from when you are born, is a build up to
that last moment where you take your last breath. You can't avoid it...."
I hope I don't sound insensitive.
"I disagree," he says.
"Why?"
"I've taken lives, it was my decision, it was at a time decided by me and it was in a
way I chose to do it," he says.
I feel a cold rush in my stomach. I try to turn and face him but he presses his chin
hard on my head and stiffens his body behind me.
I want to speak but I have to catch my breath first.
"Chawe, what do you mean you've taken lives?"